Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
