my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
