just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
