If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The power of my boobs compel you
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
