he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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