my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
