well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
