Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
