The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
