I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
