Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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