first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Boobs are out for the taking
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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