M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
