she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
