Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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