you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
