I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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