she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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