I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Houston, we have a blender
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
