He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
