That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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