Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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