God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
