rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
