This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
