honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
