were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Randomize
