The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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