Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
