the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
