She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
