areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
