my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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