who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
