textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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