Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
