Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
