I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
