grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
