Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Dear god my vagina.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
