I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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