I cockslap morals
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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