I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
