my soul wont recognize me after tonight
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
