After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
