last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Randomize
