I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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