sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
