I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
