Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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