I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
