Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
