I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
