He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's rum buckets o'clock
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
you never un-have a 4some
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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